I admit that every now and then I wish I could get to the core business in here. And, just as before, I wouldn't be doing it for some ideological belief - just the will to do something different and seeing the result of you actions. At least for me, this sensation is usually followed by my departure of working venue. Departure for good. I don't see myself as an ambitious person, at least I haven't seen so far - mainly because I see no reason whatsoever to pursue further achievements. It's like I have an expiration date and it is something around 2 years. In the first I display a small part of what I am able to do and it already stands out of the lot - I am not saying it to brag, just a fact. Nowadays, if you read two books in your entire life so far you are already standing out. Low standards, I believe.
Then, in the second, I just mantain the level and then things start to fade. I desperately try to find something to cling on to and I just go back to ordinary. That's when I leave to start over in some other place. All in all, I never had to burn out bright. Just a sparkle is enough to get by and I am probably wrong to accept getting by, but, then again, no reason to try to change things. It's kinda complicated to be called forth to fight and your general is not willing to let you learn how to handle your weapon. Definitely not worthy to get killed over.
At least, this time, I am trying to change myself. It might be an improvement, it might be just another worthless effort. Deadline is next january.
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If you asked me a few weeks ago I would never say nor believe that her words would have any effect on me. Firstly, because it never crossed my mind that I would end up hearing such words. Moreover, I also thought that I was not in the reach, at least not yet. And, a few weeks ago, long before any thing had changed, I went to check things out. It turned out to be so great that it had a strong impact in me, stronger than anticipated. Distance is not a problem, lack of trust is. And things went again from one side to another in a matter of hours - what struck me as a pleasant surprise and a glimpse of hope, turned into a equally surprising altough unpleasant situation and along came the questioning that threatened the recently-acquired firm status. I tried several other times, but it is simply impossible when the other party is not willing to listen, not willing to try. Every single word of mine was distorted into something that, although not trustworthy, made me recheck my condition. Fortunately, the few I listen are the few that were straight to me. As everything in this case, those words had a stronger-than-expected effect on me. It hurted, it made me sad. And it made me not want to insist on it, altough I had been asked another chance. It was the first time I was loose, first time I went along, first time I had real fun, first time in a long time I believed it was worthy, first time I had to slam the door shut, first time I gave up and acted accordingly. All in all, I am glad I did it. Happy birthday, by the way.
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It is a strange period in which you are too young for half of things and too old for the other half. Time is passing too slow and too fast. Every day is way too boring and also is filled with different things to do. I dislike this condition the same way I find it fascinating.
Left foot in one extreme, right foot in the opposite side. As if there were no inbetween.
One can only walk in such condition for a limited time before falling to one of the sides and expanding the recent conquered space, at least that is what theory states. I am currently skating on the edges. Should I stay or should I go?
Lately I have been wondering why We go to so much trouble to postpone the unavoidable and prolong the pain of being alive.
As we talk, the threads of life are being intertwined. A message exchange here, a dinner there, accepting an offer every now and then. There is no need to prolong the pain and doubt. There is no need to live diminishing yourself and suffering with what is beyond control.
After all, there will be no lose ends.
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